I have been wondering this week how I will actually manage as a Catholic, if I become one. I am by nature an iconoclast who has very little use for doing the things the way everyone else does them. That aspect of my personality has been one factor in my distance from churches, I believe. Where I now understand more fully the concept of community, for most of my life, especially during my teenage years and my twenties, all of the upturned faces looked so self-satisfied and all of the filing in and out looked so conformist to me, like sheep, and it made me dislike it even more. I never wanted to be someone who does things that other people do.
What I want to know is this: is iconoclasm a satanic characteristic? Rebellion is a character trait ascribed to Satan and his minions, and obedience is usually ascribed to pious characters in Western history. I wonder . . . what will a person like me do to function within a community of believers, who agreed to one creed, who speak memorized pieces in unison, who file up to communion in neat lines? What I question now is not the righteousness of the people in church, as I once did, but whether I have the ability to join them. I have recognized in my early middle age that the problem is not theirs, but mine. Can a rebel truly join the community?